I’m So Fucking Angry at Myself
I did it again. I can’t BELIEVE it, with all that I know, but I can’t deny it either.
Once again I did PRECISELY what I swore to never EVER go back to, and it very nearly cost me EVERYTHING.
You know how we all have our patterns of sabotage? The way that we DO shit to ourselves, be it with money, with food, or even (hint!!) how we run our entire fucking BUSINESS?
And the worst part is, I FELT it. I KNEW that I was doing it … it’s been creeping up on me for a while … the niggle has been MORE then there, and yet I ignored it, or at least until TODAY when (thank God!) it came down on me like a ton of bricks, and I just couldn’t, I mean I couldn’t BELIEVE that I’d so very nearly been so very stupid.
Thank God for journaling and yoga and massages for sorting shit out, that’s all I can say!
But also, a word of wisdom from somebody who seems to at least bi-annually deliberately try to screw herself over:
LISTEN when things feel out of alignment.
LISTEN when you know it’s not working.
LISTEN when you feel yourself TRYING too damn hard.
LISTEN when the anxiety, the fear, the God damn PANIC is not only not going away but it’s getting worse.
LISTEN, and then do something about it.
Of course the truth is I’m grateful for the opportunity to once again CLEANSE. We go through these stages of ALMOST creating the wrong thing, of almost BEING the wrong person, of almost stepping SO fucking far out of alignment so that (I think) we can be REMINDED of what alignment is, and why it matters so damn much.
It’s a test …
To see how serious we are.
To see how self AWARE we are.
And sometimes we’re aware enough to notice right away, and put a swift stop to our rapid descent to the land of SHOULD …
And other times we ignore the signs until the pressure gets to a point so great where we either IMPLODE or EXPLODE. Hence me being so fucking angry right now, at myself, that I can LITERALLY feel my skin boiling. I wouldn’t be at all surprised if there were ACTUAL steam coming out of my ears and I’m pretty sure I just gave a random guy an accidental look that will keep him awake for weeks to come.
So yes, this is a GOOD thing, to have the chance to notice.
So many don’t!
MOST don’t in fact, because the drum of conformity beats TOO FUCKING STRONG. They’re drinking ALL the Kool-Aid and they don’t want to even CONSIDER stepping away.
So, bully for them.
This is not who I am.
Haven’t ever been.
Can’t ever be.
And everytime I HAVE tried to force myself into that fucking box, well –
All hell breaks loose sooner or later.
Which is putting it NICELY.
So yeah I’m fucking GLAD that all hell broke loose today in my mind, my heart, my soul (and my furiously scrawled through journal!) because the ALTERNATIVE would have been all hell breaking loose sooner or later in my BUSINESS / my money, my life.
What this really comes down to is so ridiculously simple I can’t even believe I have to point it out in my own blog post:
LISTEN to your fucking intuition.
About how to do business –
And if it doesn’t FEEL HOW YOU WANT IT TO FEEL there’s a very good reason for it.
It’s a question of VALUES really, isn’t it?
For me I value freedom, and fun, and creativity, and spontaneity SO far ahead of money and other so-called markers of success that we’re not even talking the same stratosphere.
So when I find myself making DECISIONS as to how I’m going to DO things based on MONEY or so-called SUCCESS?
Let’s just say I either end up a VERY unhappy soul (even though I may well MAKE the money and ACHIEVE the ‘success’), or else days like TODAY happen to save me from myself.
But here is what else it comes down to:
You have to CHOOSE whether or not you’re going to believe in success on your terms.
Without fail EVERY great creator has been told they’re doing it wrong … that’s NOT how it’s done … no, you can’t do that, it’s not APPROPRIATE or it just won’t work!
And what they’ve ultimately done if indeed they’ve lived INTO their calling and BECOME great?
They’ve listened –
Nodded their head –
Smiled politely –
ELVIS did it after he was told NOT to move his hips on stage.
Henry FORD did it after his prototypes REPEATEDLY failed and the powers that be determined they could NEVER foresee a time when the motorcar would be more in demand than the horse and carriage.
Robert BANNISTER did it when he broke the unbreakable 4-minute mile.
Van GOGH did it when he was labelled a weirdo, a recluse, somebody with NO PURPOSE IN SOCIETY.
PICASSO did it when his work was so far ahead of his time it received ZERO interest.
The STEAM TRAIN people did it when they threatened to operate at speeds that would surely cause spontaneous COMBUSTION.
simply MUST do it, in their own way, or else spontaneous combustion of their SOUL will surely ensue, but also REALLY –
Don’t you fucking BELIEVE that the reason that nobody’s DOING IT THAT WAY is because YOU are the one born to pave that path?
Don’t you fucking believe that you’re called in a certain way for a REASON?
And even if you don’t know if you can bear to have the strength to believe don’t you want to GO FORTH WITH YOUR CRAZY CREATOR MADNESS ANYWAY?
What other choice do you have?
Honestly now … IS there any way for US to live?
You can keep the clock ticking, sure.
But I don’t call that living.
Neither do you.
So join me.
In being so fucking angry at your own BULLSHIT servitude to the norm that you’re actually going to have the guts to rip shit up, STIR it up, and finally TURN up as who you were meant to be –
Who you’ve ALWAYS known you were born to be –
Who you simply HAVE to be –
And who quite frankly you don’t see the point in pretending you’re even LIVING without being.
So if you know that –
And you’re ready to get angry enough to DO something about it?
Then I’ve created a Tribe just for you.
The CRAZY ones.
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So if you’re fucking OVER your own nonsense about how you can’t –
Do it –
The way you WANT –
And the way you’re CALLED to?
And if you’re a woman OR a man who knows, deep down, that they were born to fucking RULE their own empire, be the 1% WITHIN the 1%, and create like a #mofo?
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Life is Now! Press Play.
Wondering what PRECISELY I did that made me so fucking ANGRY at myself? Well, I’ll tell you …on the bonus WORKSHOP for #thetribe. Every.little.bit. I share it ALL to my Tribe, always.
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www.katloterzo.com/thetribe <—last chance 2015